Myself...

For some reason i felt like writing this... I feel like to express all the dissatisfaction of myself n others.

1st of all, i'm a coward. I'm always afraid to try new things, i think a lot before i do things, ended up losing the 1st chance of success in doing that, n then end up feeling very down coz i thought too much. This is really a major issue of my own. I was suppose to go out to set up the pen stall at Phor Tay high school today and yesterday too , but guess wat? i'm still sitting here doing nothing juz thinking of the possibilities of wats gonna happen ? but whats the use of thinking that ? if there aren't any action taken, then it will still remain a thought, an empty thought.
Arghhh, i really dunno about myself. Not juz dealing with my business, but even also my life, i'm now afraid to try to approach her, thinking that it may do her more harm than good, n i asked my friend who lived nearby to try to help me approach her (but thats kinda hard, nevertheless i still wanna take that risk)and get me her house phone, so that carin can try to call her , again bcoz i'm afraid to call her worrying that her dad will juz close my phone. Looking back at wat i wrote i really felt sorry for myself, i looked down upon myself, always worrying of the possibilities that are not necessary possible. I always say : This is a gamble of life and death , the truth is i'm not that brave n i'm more scared to lost my life than others , juz call me a coward. I always run away from problems (my problems)but apparently i embraced others problem n managed to solved most of them. So i guess i'm juz another hypocrite. damn.. i hate myself now. Am i really that much of a failure ?

I always look so strong from the outside but i'm extremely fragile on the inside, coz wat i have is only a small string of hope, it took me a long time to rebuild that hope, n now its gonna break again, i'm gonna fall into the infinite abyss of darkness if i dun try to solve this problem now. Luckily i'm not studying anymore, or else it will really affect my studies. Coz i can't concentrate at all. I'm juz worrying about her most of the time. Well friends already commented on my cowardly act now. n I'm trying to find a way to overcome it. If my friend really could get a hold of her no. I'll be more than happy to try to assist carin in calling her. I really like to noe is there a possibility for us ? if there is, i will grab it and never let go again. If there isn't , then i will surrender myself to the darkness, never to see light ever again. Since there aren't many reason for me to stay in the light anymore. Friends are leaving , going off to chase their dreams, it is at this stage of life that u think, i never knew friendship is gonna be so weak. Regardless of that, deep inside my heart, i hope and pray that all members of 6M class will always be together forever. Even after i'm gone, hopefully others will take control n organize these events for them. Maybe its not gonna be this year or next year but decades after that, most of them will be married , some may even have children, and some may have succeeded in their life, and many infinite possibilities. I do hope i will be able to remain in contact with most of them. Since my role as a bridge is almost over, coz they will all be flying to other country or states, far beyond my reach . . . even so, i as a shadow will always follow them wherever they go, as long as they remember us, i'll always be the shadow in service.

After feeling so unrest and sorry for myself, its time to get up n face the problems, with the uncertain future that i hold on, with the fragile friendships we are hold on, and the wavering feelings between her n I, these are juz obstacles that life set up for us, and it is testing me from various angle, ad i have strengthen myself from those angles to become a better man, a stronger man , a strong-willed man, no longer sulking or whining or moping over some sad events, neither will i be an emo person. I will stand strong to myself , supported by my pillars. These pillars represent the friends i have around me that gave me the support i need whenever i'm down or not being myself, since i rarely showed the sad side of me to others except to some of the closest friends i had. Well over the past few years, i slowly showed the weak part of me, the fragile , hopeless part of my soul, for some reason that i dun even noe, Since it was always other ppl who came to me for help, as they always say : If u need anything , and i mean ANYTHING, juz call Eugene, he will surely find a way to help u. Hehe (i'm not bragging, its the truth, u can ask any of the 6M members n they will surely say something like that) Well most ppl say so, i guess its bcoz of my act that they think of it that i'm very dependable on anything, they can tell me their secrets, they can ask me to accompany them for shopping, they can ask me to plan one event after another, and i never reject any of it. Partly bcoz its their request n we've been friends for so long , so i will always try to finish wateva is requested.

And like wat Su lynn said at the last gathering, if u need anything juz call eugene, he's a nice guy, he will do wateva u asked. hehe (that sounded like i'm a slave or so, but i'm fine with that ^^)I ended up being their private waiter for the night.
Even though they said i'm a nice guy(with terrible looks, looks always like a gangster), wat nice guy am i , when she is suffering bcoz of my cowardly act?

If i were to continue to write comments about myself, i can go on forever, n it will end up being a autobiography not a blog entry = =

So i guess i better stop here now, Juz hope for the best in everything n everything will sort out somehow.