I'm really messed up...

Man, i'm really messed up. Everything in my life is going haywire.

I went out with Carin this afternoon, she isn't in a very good situation herself, well not at bad as i'm in now, but still not much better really. So we went out to hang out together. For some funny reason, we r still close as ever after all these years. When we first graduated from primary, she's the 1st person i ever talked on the phone for almost 4 hours (i dun even remember wat we talked about = =) Hehe

After all these years, well when we were in secondary, i guess its partly bcoz we were busy then, we din contact each other as much as we used to. But somehow the last 2 years we became very close again. I'm happy for that ^^ She changed a lot after all these years. And now, i'm in deep sh*t and she's willing to help. I'm eternally grateful to her for that.

Speaking of help, i never thought of this until now, i had a friend who lives in the same block as her. I can ask for his help. I really want an answer now. I'm not giving up on this, i've given up on a lot of things in my life, for one reason, coz i was lazy n dun feel like giving it my all. I dun noe y until now, i still find no reason for me to go all out, doing my best for anything. Well if there were any requests from friends then i will do it, but whether i will do my best is still a question. Now with this , i am forced to think through everything, am i worthy enough for her ? can i take care of her ? is this really ok for me and her ? i dunno, but wat i noe is that now i'm sure, i will do my best to try to save the situation we r in. Lets juz hope everything can be solved peacefully.

My mind is totally messed up , i'm thinking a lot of things at the same time, past,present, future, possibilities . . . . all in this small fragile brain.
I noticed that i am actually quite an emo person. I had been like this for a long time. I never bothered about it, since its a part of me, partly bcoz i was always lazy or not feel like being in a group, but ironically i longed to be in a group so its really juz running aimlessly to n forth inside my soul. I dunno , i'm starting to really not understand myself anymore. I am the shadow of life, i'm one with existence that is useful only to others as a shadow can stand on its on. Thats who i am. and thats what i will be

Since life is now a total mess, how about wishing me that all these problems can be solved quickly and turn my life all around again. ^^ thx