A lonely road...

*sigh*, i really dunno wat to write now. My mind is all messed up

I'm feeling so stressful now. I juz hope for anybody to be with me now. especially her, but she's busy i guess.

y am i stressed out ?? Good question. 1st , a lot of problems r happening out of my hands, losing control over things, then again, i can't control everything. I'm juz damn tired.

Sometimes, i wonder, y do i always work so hard for nothing ? i never asked for any returns for wateva i did. Never (well as far as i recalled , NEVER) y? Simple, coz i'm afraid to ask. I'm afraid that if i asked ppl will look at me as a person who works for payment. Well i'm not. I always do wat i want juz bcoz i wanted to , i always do things bcoz i like it, even if ppl force me to do something, if i dun feel like doing it , then i'm not gonna do it. Thats juz how i am .
Now i really feel very lazy... Living away my days... Wasting time, doing ntg but staying online, playing facebook, and sitting in my chair thinking - thinking about wat is going on in my life ?

Primary friends r breaking down... Secondary friends r losing contact (thats mainly my fault coz i never did try to contact them)... Future is unknown... Working pressure... And many other things...

Maybe i feel pressured its bcoz i placed all the burden on myself... maybe
Without that i wonder wat i could do ?

I went out today, to meet a friend, to give her some leftover books that i'm not gonna use anymore. She's there with her older friend whom she call "Dad" and originally she was suppose to follow me after we meet up... but then she felt a bit bad to leave that guy so she stays with him n leave me there.. walking alone in QB..

Well i do understand her reason, coz that guy always buy her things and take her out to eat for free. Btw that guy is working now. So i never say anything else. I juz walked away alone, walking around that mall, suddenly i felt that mall is so big... or it is juz bcoz when a person walking alone, anything or everything around it feels so empty and big... Now that i think back , i've always been alone, though i am surrounded by ppl all the time, but my inner self always make me stay away or lose interest to remain in contact with them... making me a loner... even though i hate to be lonely.

Ppl often come to me to tell me their problem, i live by that kinda life for the last few yrs. i'm getting used to it, i learned a lot from all these complaining, a lot about life, how to deal with life , how to deal with decision, how to deal with love. But i never manage to learn one thing, how to many my own emotion, since i often listen to ppl's problem, i never did tell ppl my own problem, or rather i couldn't find anyone to really tell them. So i ended up walking down the road alone again...I guess i always have been alone, i guess being friendly n kind is juz a facade... I dun even noe wats true n wats fake anymore. I once tell ppl that i might not live beyond 20 yrs old. n i'm starting to think thats gonna happen.

NO... i'm not gonna suicide, thats a bit too much... for now, but i will die of other reasons, such as , depression (hmm do i have that ?) , hypertension, heart attack , stroke, and many other

These will all happen bcoz i' building up immense pressure inside of me, the pressure that i couldn't release. I wonder if it will release itself every 6 yrs.
coz its almost 6 yrs ago that i beat up liang san. I've lost a good friend juz bcoz of a pityful misunderstanding, i was overpowered by anger, i also beat up the girls that tried to stop us, and that makes me regret the most. from then on , i swore to myself never to lift a hand against any women anymore. N after that, ppl say i changed, i'm no longer that hot tempered person anymore. Well to be honest i feel the same too. But i still have minor outburst from time to time, mostly in the house.

I could really use the company of someone special... special in my heart, giving me support all the way, try to relieve me of my loneliness, try to cheer me up when i'm down...
i sometimes wonder, ppl always sought me as an advisor(unofficial), am i really that good ? i dun think so, i am , still a human, and human's make mistakes, human have emotions, n human r mostly blinded by emotions.

For now, i think i will remain walking down the road alone, as i usually do , i liked to have company, but i never did work to search for one. irony huh ?
Life's not always fair, i tried my best to make this year's reunion a success... but problems after problems kept popping out. I'm really tired, n feel like doing ntg, juz waiting for ppl to call me to ask if i wanna go ...

But if i were to do that, i wonder if we still have any reunion left.
Friends r leaving me soon... after that i will be left alone again.

I am the shadow, living in the dark , serving to help by concealing myself, i will always do my best to help others to make them happy , at the cost of my own happiness

I am the shadow, as a shadow , i will exist as long as light exist.
I wonder how i will be 10 yrs from now... will i be married ? will i have children by then ? will i be dead ? i dunno , there's a lot of variables in life, each decision is like a chain reaction, it will link from one to the next.

I really for once really felt so depressed, feel so helpless, felt so useless...
I think i better stop now, i'm been writing for dunno how long. haiz.
WIsh me luck so that i can get over this everything.... ^^